The Flower Garden ~ Chapter 06

Fili was looking at him with a dumbfound expression. Then, his eyes narrowed and his voice dropped to a low rumble when he demanded: “You are going to leave us?”

Bilbo felt like he was punched in the gut by Fili’s accusing tone.

He’d been accused of many things in his life – not living up to the Baggins name by staying a bachelor one of them – but this was different. Because even though Fili sounded angry, it was clear that he felt betrayed, and Bilbo couldn’t feel any guiltier.

His breath stuttered and he turned his eyes away from Fili. He just couldn’t look at the other right now. He knew it was stupid to feel this guilty. He had only known the company for a day after all. But he was breaking a promise, and Fili, Kili and Bofur had been rather kind to him.

He swallowed in an attempt to get the lump from his throat. His hands shook slightly in his lap and his shoulders were drawn together as he leaned in on himself, almost as if he tried to disappear completely.

“I... well, yes I am.” He started, taking a breath before he started babbling, a desperate attempt to at least explain himself. “My mother, she needs me you see. She’s loved me all her life and I can’t just leave her. And you... you all need someone else. I am not a burglar and I am most definitely not suited to travel to that mountain with you. Your uncle already sees that, so I do not think it would be such a loss for you. I can not leave the Shire to go with you, and I am not what you need on your journey. Me leaving now is not as bad as it seems.”

As Bilbo talked, Fili kept a close eye on him and the frown on his face deepened the more Bilbo spoke. When Bilbo stopped, taking a nervous breath and keeping his eyes intently fixed on his lap Fili shook his head with a sigh. “Are you done?”

Bilbo blinked and his head whipped up, looking at Fili with a frown. “Excuse me?” He felt himself getting slightly angry at the question and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

The moment Bilbo looked up at him, Fili smirked slightly. “I asked if you were done with the speech, master Baggins. Because I’m not buying it.”

Bilbo needed a few seconds to take those words in, so unexpected were they. And when they registered, when he realized exactly what Fili just said he blew up. His hands balled into fists in his lap, his cheeks burned red in anger and he glared at the dwarf in front of him. “Do you think I’m joking?”

Fili looked slightly taken aback by Bilbo’s reaction and he seemed to hesitate for a few moments before he replied. His words more carefully chosen and his smirk and any sort of playfulness now replaced by a seriousness Thorin himself would be jealous of. “I would not say joking. It is obvious that you aren’t. But I don’t think you truly wish to stay in your comfortable and homey Shire.”

Bilbo bristled and shook his head. How dare that blasted dwarf! “Then I’m afraid you are wrong, master Dwarf.” He replied curtly, pressing his lips together.

Fili huffed in annoyance and shook his head. He gave Bilbo a somewhat sad look and softly said: “There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave.”

Bilbo’s body tensed, a hot flush settling on his cheeks as he glared at Fili. “I beg your pardon, but who says I want to leave?” He snapped in irritation, voice sharp and eyes like ice.

“Everything about you!” Fili snapped and jerkily swung his hand through the air into what he must have thought was the direction of Bilbo’s home.

Bilbo flinched back at Fili’s angry tone, eyes widening. He certainly hadn’t expected that. His mind came to a stuttering halt as it tried to wrap itself around exactly what Fili’s words implied.

Bilbo’s reaction seemed to calm Fili down. He took a shaky breath and shook his head. “But you already left. The fact you want to go back home doesn’t change that. You left. Why, if not for the sole reason that you wanted to leave?”

Bilbo lowered his eyes, giving a non-committal shrug. He pressed his lips together, trying to get his thoughts in order. After a few seconds – when Fili started to fidget impatiently – he sighed. With his eyes still averted he admitted in a soft and slightly dejected voice: “Maybe part of me does want to leave.”

Fili’s expression softened and he gave a light head shake. “And I said there was nothing wrong with that. So why deny it?”

Bilbo took a deep, almost pained breath and his voice cracked slightly when he said: “Because it doesn’t change anything.” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “I can’t leave the Shire.”

Fili frowned. “Because of your mother?”

“Of course!” Bilbo turned to Fili with a small frown, surprised at the question. “What I want... I have to be there for her. She’s been there for me all of my life and I am not going to just... leave her.” He paused and then, perhaps a bit desperately, asked: “You do understand, don’t you?”

“My mother is home in Ered Luin.” Fili said, his jaw slightly clenched and a somewhat sad look in his eyes.

Frowning slightly, Bilbo wasn’t sure quite what to think. It seemed an awful lot like Fili was evading the question and Bilbo wasn’t certain what to do with this new bit of information. It did get him wondering, though, so he asked: “But doesn’t that... hurt? Doesn’t it make you feel guilty?”

“If you mean to ask if I miss her... then yes, I do.” Fili said honestly, a wry smile on his lips. Then, he shrugged and continued with a slightly firmer voice: “But I don’t feel guilty. She might not have wanted me to go, Mahal knows she absolutely didn’t want Kili to go, but we did. Because this quest is important. This is something that we need to do and while she might not like it, mother understands that.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “She would’ve come too if she could have.”

Bilbo frowned at Fili’s words. It was a surprise to hear him say his mother had wanted to go, although Bilbo knew he shouldn’t be. Dwarves were different from hobbits, after all, and even his own mother would have went along on the quest had she been younger.

“So, you see,” Fili started when Bilbo didn’t reply soon enough. “I don’t think I do understand.”

Bilbo huffed, shaking his head. “If you only look at it from your own point of view, you never will.”

Fili frowned but didn’t say anything, silently urging Bilbo to continue.

“Now, I am not sure what age your mother is. But mine isn’t in her youngest days anymore. In fact she... well, she is old. Besides, your reason to go to Erebor is personal. All of you have a personal reason to go. Me? I don’t have to go, I don’t need to get my home back. And while I do want you all to have your home back, I don’t want to lose mine...” Bilbo said, hoping that Fili understood his explanation. He could go on and on, telling the other that his home wasn’t really the place he lived in. It was his mother, it was the few friends he had, it were the people that might not be there for him anymore if he left on this quest.

Fili watched Bilbo with an unreadable expression that didn’t give away whether he understood or not. His eyes followed Bilbo’s hands as he fidgeted with his fingers. Then he looked up, taking in Bilbo’s downcast eyes and he shook his head with a sigh. “I understand what you will lose by leaving. What I don’t understand, however, is that you want to leave yet you refuse to do so.”

“I have obligations.”

“Is that really what your life is all about? Does your entire life evolve around living up to expectations and fulfilling your obligations?” Fili asked, voice dripping with disappointment and voice sharp.

Bilbo bit his lip, swallowing the lump in his throat away. He hated hearing those words, but he knew he couldn’t deny them. Knew that Fili was right and that that was indeed his entire life in Hobbiton.

Clenching his hands into fists, Bilbo nodded. “Yes,” he admitted, his voice slightly thick from the emotions surging through him. On one hand he felt both annoyed and defensive, because what right did Fili have to analyse him like that? On the other hand, though, he felt very conflicted. There was a hopeful feeling in his chest that he couldn’t quite place. A feeling he’d felt ever since the beginning of this conversation. At first he’d thought it was a mere hope that Fili would easily accept his reasons for leaving. But by now that couldn’t be it anymore.

That’s when realization hit Bilbo, with the speed of farmer Maggot’s loaded cart crashing into a tree at the bottom of a hill. This entire disagreement with Fili... Deep down, from a maybe very selfish part of himself and an adventurous part of his heart, he was trying to get Fili to convince him to go. To give him enough reasons that he just couldn’t say no anymore.

He tilted his head so he could look at Fili, eyes begging slightly. Please give me enough reasons to leave.